Pressing F5 on repeat

 Hallo~ been refreshing my life since a few days back... nothing much really just cleaning my work station, clearing all the pending work... prepare myself for the next quarter... then yesterday finally I'm done with cleaning most area in my house hahaha... change my bedsheet, pick all fallen hairs around my house hahaha... clean my kitchen, my balcony and rearrange my closet... and today I start my day with a proper meal... after so long... I feel like I've been abandoning my wellbeing for quite some times now... and obviously I've been going through some unhealthy lifestyles too during those period... so on that note...I've decided to try gaining back my old pace... let's just end 2021 with a happy moment at least... although what I'll face in the following week onwards wasn't really something fun... but hey, we create our own moments... so if we feel down (like what I'd felt last round) I don't think I can survive here any longer hahaha... so just be happy, enjoy what I'll be doing and regret none..^^

Just a short post hahaha cause I just miss this old moment where I have the time to update my blog and etc hahaha... and I don't know what else to do since I didn't start watching any drama at the moment... I do have a few in my watchlist but let's not start just yet hahahah... I still haven't fully recovered from last round hectic schedule... and seeing the arrangement for this coming quarter, I kinda prepare myself to go through the same sh*t again... so yeah, better make myself as free as possible during the weekend ^-^

New quest, new challenge

 So, by now I think, as long as I didn't mess up, I'll be in AmBank's team throughout my stay in EY hahahaa..so yeah I'm booked again for the next and next quarter of review... but not just that, this coming round, I'll be in treasury again without a direct senior to guide us through....and to make things more challenging, my manager supported by my current senior suggested me to be the "acting senior"... they said that they feel I'm able to do it...so last Friday, we did have a quick call and my senior did guide me a bit on the potential task I need to be extra mindful of in the next round of review... to be honest, I did feel overwhelm..let face it, I only turn as an A2 a few weeks ago.. to be exact on the 1st of October...and there's a high chances that I'll be doing senior work in December?!!.... like hell yes I'm nervous... don't you think that their expectation is quite high by now?.... Am I really able to cope with this?? can I actually deliver a good job... not to mention excellent just a plain job's done status feels far from real at the moment... but yeah, that is part my career progress that I'm looking forward since day 1...and obviously to build a career I do need to face more and more challenges...another quest is another challenge...ready or not we can only knows the outcome once we set our foot on the starting line...So yup! as the daughter of Arman and Wati..press the trigger Ref...I'll be waiting for you at the finishing line with a smile...Insyallah~

well work aside, a few minutes ago, I just bid farewell to my parents again..they came to KL on Friday night for weddings ceremonies today and yesterday...their other objective is also to go to random Japan stores all around KL ahahah..so without knowing their proper plan, I ended up following them to the wedding yesterday...and did some shopping filling up my bed and heart with warmth...I actually just came back from Kedah last week Saturday after spending 2 weeks there... a week before I went back, they did came to KL just to spend some quality time with me...cause yup I've been feeling down back then ahahahah...but farewell is never a happy one...although unlike their last visit which I broke down in tears, this farewell feels no different...I'm just holding back my tears...cause Reena, you still have a lot to handle, and you should be grateful that at least you are able to meet them... you will see them again soon..so till then have a safe journey Ma Bah, and enjoy your day and night....stay safe and take care, love you guys <3...Adios~

Selfish

 One of my dad advice before I started working is... "It's okay to be selfish"..at that time as someone who just want to start a career obviously I couldn't understand or agree with him... I mean, how can I build a good personal branding with that attitude or mindset... but now I think I know what he means... he's not telling me to be that kind of person but rather to think of myself first before anything else... The problem here though is that I'm still unsure where to draw the line, between potraying a good teamwork and being taken advantage off... hiding behind the facts that my work involved working as a team, and helping one another can benefit not just the whole team but also to myself... I don't know, lately I feel like I'm being taken advantage off rather than having that sense of belonging within the team itself... Yes, Alhamdulillah this month I've progressed into a new rank staff... so obviously more responsibility is expected and more pressure is waiting for me... however, I don't think that is an excuse for me to start jeopardizing my own timing to fit others schedule... I already finish my work, well at least the major parts within the dateline despite having trainings to attend or e-learnings to settle in between the timeline... I didn't force myself burning midnight oil to create more time to takeover others work... I am new too, I am blur too, I need to figure out a few things on my own too... I didn't go through all those headache or chest pain for nothing, I did it hoping to produce the best outcome for the Team... people simply "stating oh you're good, you're able to do so I knew it" doesn't mean anything if that's the excuse you guys are using to put more expectation and continuously take advantage of me... but then again, my mind will go back to... "No Arfa, this is just part of the journey, everyone above you went through the same things before... It is just part of the hurdles that you need to face to reach your goals and dream"... and here I am back to the self blaming hole... for being so weak, guilty conscious burying me deeper and deeper... Due to your sudden "selfish" concept/mindset your team may be in bigger trouble... but seriously I am not sure anymore... I am kinda tired, one thing for sure is that... for this past few months, I am not being myself and I Hate It!... I just hope I am able to finish this chapter on a good note, and start a new one with a better version of myself.

Another birth day~

11 August 2021... 23 years old me.. another year went by I guess... while age is just a number but we can't change the fact that a lot happened throughout the period, and those are called experiences, memories, lessons, history... those are what makes each year a new year to everybody... to some, a day can feel like a year, to others, a year can feel like a mere seconds.. and the feeling came from how we defined those moments that each of us went through during the year...As I did every year, I wrote the last line and start a new chapter yesterday... I still have no idea what the plot will be this time, but the first page of the chapter wasn't that bad.. had a good day yesterday thanks to all the wishes and sweet treats from you guys (Hazirah, Jess, Ryan, Jing Xuan, Along n Kak Ifah) ... I would be lying if I said my day went by smoothly... there are some tears here and there too.. but I guess some events that happened in the previous chapter help me to be more prepared and more open minded, give me more strength to push aside all the negativity and just focus on what important in front of me... stop being so greedy and just be grateful with what I have... thinking back about previous chapters, there is sure a lot of lesson learnt and lots of emotions involved... I hope in this new chapter the main character can have a healthier character growth and have more self-love... I think I did torture myself a bit too much a few months back... not knowing who am I proving myself to, blindly thinking that my actions can somehow change something in the surrounding... so again, I hope in this new chapter, with a new title given to me a few week ago, I can be someone that I can proudly share my story in the future... Arfareena, your path will only be tougher as you take each step into the journey, but I know! I know that you are more capable than what you have shown all this while, a few months back, you had some thoughts that you promise yourself to never ever think about... let's not have that mindset again, now is not the time to back down... This too shall pass~

Welcome Little One

 Hi Little One, sorry for the late welcome from this little diary.. just had time to make this post... just want to share a bit of my experience with you, well I wasn't exactly with your mummy n daddy to experience everything... but I'm glad that throughout the months patiently waiting for your arrival there are days that they can share with me about your wellbeing, your mischievous acts hahaha... I belief you are not being naughty but just being you ahaha... anyway, after months of waiting, a day before you join the family, your dad woke me up at 4 in the morning, just because you decide to give a surprise to him hahaha...just to share a secret with you, your dad is a scaredy cat... he may seems big but he wasn't all that hahah k just kidding... no worries, I'm sure he will be the bravest dad for you, just like how your grandpa and grandma brought us up... protect and provide all the love and support we need... both of your parents will do the same thing... who knows they might be better as time goes by... anyway back to the story... you decide to stay hidden for another day... so again your dad message me at 12am the next day... finally the time has come for us to get a new addition to the family... you better love your mom to the moon and back! she went through tough time to make you the next precious thing in our family, well originally it was my spot, but it's okay I'm willing to let you have it... for now! Once you are old enough we will have a fair fight for it again MUAHAHAH... kidding~ sheesshh don't be too serious/ sensitive like your dad hahahah... but yeah it wasn't that long actually, your mom enter the operation room around 12.30 am or so, and we were informed by your dad around 1.20 am that you have arrived... gurl~ you were 3.81kg, although you were heavy, but you still can't beat me hhahahah... k not something to be proud of -.-... so yeah, I don't really have much detail to share actually, supposedly we were able to meet with each other soon, but due to current pandemic situation, I am stuck here...and you are stuck in your house too... oh yeah, you are not feeling well for a few days...but I know, since there is Arfa(h)'s blood running in you, you will recover and grow stronger soon!! To be real frank, I had a mixed feeling about you, I was the youngest in the family, and I never really adore babies~... when I found out that your mummy is carrying you around... I was super happy, but at the same time I am worried... why? I don't know... I just feel like I may not be ready to welcome you yet, of course everyone around me told me that I will for sure, for sure! change once I meet you... I didn't disagree cause for me family always the priority... as long as you are part of the bloodline, you will and always be my treasure... but dear, sorry if the definition of family doesn't suit our family to you... however, worry not cause I know, despite everything that happened... everyone will give you all the love you deserve...Little One, you are still small and fragile now, I hope that you can be healthy and grow surrounded by love and comfort... hope you can build your own cute little adventure and enjoy your own mini journey of life... till we meet in the near future~ Lily Anaqi Muhammad Arfarizal.

Initially I planned to share your photo, but naahhh, it's not the time yet... I'll just keep it to myself for now, let your mum and dad be the one to show you off hahahaha... so again, adios Little One~!  

Hari Raya

Raya has arrived..and as I mentioned in my last post, I am celebrating Raya alone this year..actually before the government announced that MCO 3.0 will be implemented my colleagues (Jing Xuan and Ryan) have planned to came and celebrate Raya with me..knowing the fact that I'll be alone and my relatives aren't close-by..however, since MCO 3.0 sop mentioned that there will be no home visit allowed in PKP area..so yeah alone again then ahahah..but of course in order to create the Raya vibes by myself..I start of with cleaning my house since the first day of my holiday..I started with the Kitchen and Toilet area, I skipped a day because rewiring project is on going then continue with cleaning my living room and bedroom area the next days..then I fill up the remaining of my days to cook/prepare some raya dishes...start with dendeng daging, nasi impit, rendang ayam and end with lontong in Raya morning.. honestly, it is tiring hahah cause I feel like it is never ending one thing after another, and since Raya falls on Thursday, I have a few days left to recover/rest hahaa..but thanks to that vibes I don't feel so alone..and in fact I'm kinda proud of myself..despite being alone I still able to appreciate Raya and able to feel the joyous day with my family through our video calls...and I feel more self accomplished when I read some of my friends that I know is staying alone or maybe restricted to meet up with friends totally lose the Raya feels just because of the MCO...bunyi macam derita mu bahagia ku kan..hahah but yeah actually just a self satisfaction, everybody has their own way to deal/cope with this new norm..and I'm happy that this new norm doesn't really impact me that much...(yes I do feel sad, I do feel homesick, I do have plan to go out and just enjoy my days)...anyway I would like to take this opportunity to also wish everyone that may come across this post a Happy AidilFitri and Happy Holiday... i would like to seek a sincere forgiveness from deep within my heart to those that may have dissatisfaction, hatred or anger towards me...Aside from that, I would also like to thanks Kak Nadzirah for the food sent on the first day of Raya..thank you so much...Even without the food, just the thought to reach out to me and wanting to know about my wellbeing means a lot to me..and also thanks to my colleagues (Jing Xuan for the gift and wishes), (Jess and Ryan for the video call to keep me company)...appreciate all the kind thought and comfort provided for the past few days..today is my last holiday before another fight till the end of July ahhaha..hope Arfa can have a clear mind and able to recover herself to be more efficient and productive from next week onwards..

So! nothing much happen actually so let's just enjoy the pic (idk where the other pics are..will update if i'm able to trace them back..especially my food!!)

First area yg dicuci

my toilet and kitchen ja dah take one day

trust me it didn't last long hahah

gigih lapik almari bagai

nak kena beli pisau..either steak knife or just plain one sebab sadly tkda lagi

waktu in cleaning progress

disental suma kawasan

my living/work area

seriously bag2 tu pun dah berhabuk suma cukup

make sure every corner is covered

bedside table yang selalunya filled with rubbish (makan snack nonstop)

my keyboard area..tapi actually no plug there so everytime nak main akan bawak naik katil ahha

hari rewiring

now i can use the power socket in the living room

kira start dari pagi smpai 10 malam camtu gak la lawak2 pun

sehari seblum raya catching up session...wktu ni suppose ada mama and abah but depa kluaq so tinggai la kami adik beradik tak betoi ni

walaa pagi raya sudah

welcome Raya to my house

ok actually ada a better picture..but YES I CAN'T FIND THE PICS URGGHH

the only gambaq makanan yang ada dalam laptop currently

a cute and thoughtful gift from Beh Jing Xuan

catching up session with Jess & Ryan

Just like you

 So..wow...soo long since the last time I actually touch my laptop...aww I missed you so much WeiWei ahahaha acah ngat..so not sure if I've mentioned this in any of my previous post but yeah currently I'm back in AmBank core team..the different this time is that there are new tasks assigned..and since this time around I'm doing full year end audit instead of a Limited Review..so my task should be more detailed compared to previous workdone..but my poor performance as always lead to some lacking outcome/results.. but yeah..working paper major phases has passed..currently we are doing the FS checking cause BNM submission will be on Monday morning..so any comments/amendments to the FS need to be raised and addressed accordingly in the remaining days.. honestly I don't know what to share..too many things happened for the past few days...and of course there are days that I just let out my emotion to Abah..which I actually promised myself to stop doing so...I think it has been a few engagements now since the last time I actually let out my true emotion/feeling to my parents..I feel like it is no longer the age for me to share every single detail of what happen in my daily life with both of my parents.. so no matter how bad my day is..if I do call my parents I tend to share more on random news..or maybe a short "fun" time with my teammates rather than the detail of the stress I'm facing... and I learn to accept the fact that my parents can understand when I'm unable to call them everyday like I use too.. cause there are days back then where I feel like my parents doesn't care about my wellbeing..but my bro just put some sense in me saying that... it is not like they are not worried..it is just that they are giving us space to have/build our own life...so yeahh..but as someone that used to have a place to share my thoughts, my routine..every single detail of events that occurs in my daily life to someone..and suddenly stop doing so.. it sadly does put a toll in me...maybe another reason for it is because I'm staying here alone..and I'm not the type to actually reach out to "friend" and share my problem with others...but at the same time I don't want to continuously burden my family with my inexperience adventure..hearing my so called issue which actually is a normal things for everyone that is entering this path of their life...so thanks to that, I ended up pushing myself, I guess...thus, leading to another "breakdown" session with Abah...I'm thankful for having such a supportive and understanding parents...and yes, pretty sure not just my parents..but when Abah told me that he knows when I shared all my happy moments and Mama kinda grateful that I seems ok..he knows that I do have some issue that I'm hiding from them..and having him to reassure me that it's ok to share my problems with him because he will always know and understand how I feel..I just can't say it enough how much I love my parents and missed them soo muchhh..I know we can't see each other this Raya thanks to Covid and PKP..but I do hope in the next few months..my next holiday I get to go back and we can have a nice family time again...

Since I've mentioned about Raya...yup currently we are in Ramadhan..so my first Ramadhan in my working life is during my first peak engagement..wow what a great timing -_-... and as mentioned..my first Raya since I've started working is without my family..nice T-T... I'm not that excited for Raya anymore but I'm really looking forward to my holiday cause...Gurl~ I need that break!!...hahah nowadays I don't even realise whether it is a weekend or a weekdays..we have been pushing ourselves to get things done ASAP for the past few weeks...really hope it ends well this time..just a bit more I hope.. there's also one more thing that has been at the back of my mind for the past few days..and last night during my 5 hours phone call with Along, we did discuss a bit about this...so a few days ago I've been sharing my to do list during Raya since I can't go back...so I'm planning to cook some Raya dish and list out all the menu I'm thinking of making for Raya.. from that status post, my aunty reply with an invitation to her house during Raya...it's a mix feeling reply though... well to me at least..part of me feels like it is not a bad idea to accept her offer, cause yeah since I'm here..might as well go to "relatives" houses instead..and at least it shows that I'm not the one trying to stop the relationship or anything..I'm not even the right level to join in the matter..and also hopefully it can give some credits to my parents for raising us to respect our elderly as such...but another part of me feels it will be unfair to my parents..having known what happen, although they may seems fine with it but who knows deep down how affected will they be..I want to stop pointing fingers but at the same time I also want people to stop giving my parents the side-eye...I won't forget what happen..I'm not that kind, I may be fragile but I'm scared that deep inside I'm filled with revenge and hatred instead... plus not knowing what I'll be facing is the reason I'm having this thoughts... actually during my call with Along..he kinda help me to take one more step in the decision making route..but yeah..I guess we can only see how it goes...I mean we can only plan He is the greatest planner..

To be honest I just made this post because I missed to type on this keyboard some real words instead of work related phrases and numbers hahahah.. so to end this on a good note.. I hope nothing much happen tomorrow..so I can go to do some laundry, do some groceries and stop by Big Bad Wolf maybe hehehe... but I think even if I do go out tomorrow it won't be for long..probably latest by 2pm I'll be back in front of my laptop ahahahha..but yeah hope everything is fine..and we can get a bit of me time tomorrow...adios!~