it's overwhelming

today mark one month I'm experiencing this new world of mine....I thought that I will be assigned to an engagement next month.. but rezeki came knocking on my door last week's Thursday. I was supposed be in this engagement starting last Monday.. but my reviewer called me that Thursday night.. at 7pm to be exact.. she told me what to do and etc...and thus began my first official job in this journey... It is undeniably overwhelming, I mean.. I do understand, in fact this is what I expect it to be... but I can't describe in words the experience actually... my inferiority complex, insecurity and lack of confidence makes everything worse..to be real honest... I've been bawling my eyes out everyday now... it is a lot to take in at one... Abah has been comforting me saying that it is normal since it is my new experience.. I am not yet familiar with everything... and worse I am working from home and I am living alone... I find it hard to ask question to someone as they are also busy with their works.. at the same time being all alone without any sound kinda turn me into a less sane person I guess... I get why some people are concern that I am staying alone... but I don't think this feeling will last forever... I know, I believe in a NEAR future this emotions/thoughts/mindset will let me go and stop bothering me again... but for now, I find it super hard to stop these tears...I just miss my family so much.. today I decided to call them since morning.. cause yesterday was a looonnnggg day for me... I insist them not to hang up the phone...they can continue doing anything they want...just don't leave me with loneliness cause I personally hate It... I've been asking It to leave me since I'm in Intec.. and I thought It has left... apparently there is a hole in my thoughts that lead him back to my mind...I wish/hope/pray that everything can be calm again... my next engagement has been set... it will be on the 2nd or 3rd week of August.. most probably after my birthday... maybe once I am officially 22 I'll be a bit more mature, stronger...everything positive laa hahaha...don't know what to do now.. obviously not gonna turn on the laptop again tonight..I guess it is time to sleep..so chau~ oh and selamat hari raya haji, ps: mode raya tak da but makanan raya ada la.. Mama ajaq masak rendang ayam hehehe... ok bye