Let stop all this nonsense

 As mentioned in my previous posts... I went through another journey of my life, facing a new challenge that triggers all the negativity in me to show themselves proudly... thanks to that, my parent ended up visiting me here... in fact a day before they came here.. I had my final breakdown... an engagement that I thought will end once my booking period is over seems to be endless then... I make a lot of mistakes, like really stupid mistake...I wasn't careful and meticulous enough in doing my work which makes it appear like all I did throughout the week is wasting everyone's time... not just that, at the same time, I feel like all of my effort and hard work around the clock gone to waste as it didn't help to progress my reviewer's work... well that is all my negativity talking of course... I tried to justify my wrongdoing by saying that it is normal for a newcomer to make mistake.. someone should understand that you can't get it right at the very first try... just like how I mentioned in my first semester in Intec... There is Always a first for everything... but yeah the pressure is real... I'm not even kidding when I say, that my whole body start shaking every morning, every time I saw my reviewer's status is available... let's not even mention when she decided to call me all of a sudden... but lucky me, despite all the tension that I felt, I am blessed with a supportive teammate and of course a kind enough reviewer that help to correct all of my mistakes... of course throughout the engagement I do think some of her action is ridiculous and hard to predict.. but at the end of the day, she helps me a lot to prepare my work the way it should be prepared... currently, I don't know whether I've completed my part or not...after the meeting she had with our partner last Friday, I didn't received any update on that, I just keep on updating her in regards to all the documents that are still pending from client...maybe because I tell her about my parents being with me throughout the weekend... she stop contacting me since Friday till now.. hopefully she continue doing so hahahah... what is left now is just for me to follow up with client about all the pending documents... this Monday, I'll be having another meeting with my new engagement team.. this time, I'll be in an engagement till October... so hopefully, I understand better on what to do, what to expect, I am able to be more prepared, matured and of course be more stable in both my mental and physical state... 

Now let's talk about my family... my parents has been with me throughout my engagement, everyday my mom and sometimes my dad will hear my complaints, comfort my unstable thoughts, shares experiences they went through or heard from their friend.. helping me to understand.. that what I am going through now is a normal growing up process in life... them being here honestly calm me down.. a lot.. I really wish that, I can go on with my work without having to make them worry anymore about me... I really hope that I can learn to balance my life well so that they can at least know that I am staying healthy and happy in between all of the workload... They have sacrifice a lot for me and I really hope that I can repay that as soon as possible... I really wish that I become stronger and more reliable... I really want to erase that weak, spoilt, childish, "high maintenance" image that people have about me... I really do.. I know I can, so please give me more chances and time to change myself... to my brothers and sister... you guys help me in your own way... all the video call, random chat at night, calls we had may be just a simple act as brothers and sister to you guys.. but it means a lot to me.. at least in between all those tears during the weeks.. I had a good laugh and of course some great screenshot of your funny faces too... I may not show my emotion well.. but one thing for sure is... I love being in our family... this small family of mine... thanks for coming along with me in this small journey~ <3

it's overwhelming

today mark one month I'm experiencing this new world of mine....I thought that I will be assigned to an engagement next month.. but rezeki came knocking on my door last week's Thursday. I was supposed be in this engagement starting last Monday.. but my reviewer called me that Thursday night.. at 7pm to be exact.. she told me what to do and etc...and thus began my first official job in this journey... It is undeniably overwhelming, I mean.. I do understand, in fact this is what I expect it to be... but I can't describe in words the experience actually... my inferiority complex, insecurity and lack of confidence makes everything worse..to be real honest... I've been bawling my eyes out everyday now... it is a lot to take in at one... Abah has been comforting me saying that it is normal since it is my new experience.. I am not yet familiar with everything... and worse I am working from home and I am living alone... I find it hard to ask question to someone as they are also busy with their works.. at the same time being all alone without any sound kinda turn me into a less sane person I guess... I get why some people are concern that I am staying alone... but I don't think this feeling will last forever... I know, I believe in a NEAR future this emotions/thoughts/mindset will let me go and stop bothering me again... but for now, I find it super hard to stop these tears...I just miss my family so much.. today I decided to call them since morning.. cause yesterday was a looonnnggg day for me... I insist them not to hang up the phone...they can continue doing anything they want...just don't leave me with loneliness cause I personally hate It... I've been asking It to leave me since I'm in Intec.. and I thought It has left... apparently there is a hole in my thoughts that lead him back to my mind...I wish/hope/pray that everything can be calm again... my next engagement has been set... it will be on the 2nd or 3rd week of August.. most probably after my birthday... maybe once I am officially 22 I'll be a bit more mature, stronger...everything positive laa hahaha...don't know what to do now.. obviously not gonna turn on the laptop again tonight..I guess it is time to sleep..so chau~ oh and selamat hari raya haji, ps: mode raya tak da but makanan raya ada la.. Mama ajaq masak rendang ayam hehehe... ok bye

it takes time~

I don't know whether this is considered as exaggerating or show off or plain BS... put everything aside, one thing that I love about this house... the fact that I can see Bank Rakyat Tower straight from my balcony... and a glimpse of Twin Towers... silently hoping the construction behind my house take a longgggg time to complete thus I can admire the view longer... or maybe they can build their stuff but at least let the slight view continue to be seen... at night both Bank Rakyat Tower and Twin Towers light up in their own way... and for me, at least, those are the most beautiful views I get to see... I guess I'm just filled with pride knowing that Abah works in Bank Rakyat... ever since I'm young( still young though) every time I saw Bank Rakyat, anywhere around Malaysia, I'll be thrilled and just randomly point it out to my parents... hahaha but maybe it is fate, I am able to be where I can get a sight that makes me miss my parents a lot more... just looking at those lights from afar makes me think as if my parents are looking after me from afar too... it is like every night they are telling me," just sleep tight, we will light up the night sky for you"

Twin Tower

It can be seen clearly actually through eyes given by god.. sadly my phone not cooperating well~ 

this is what it supposedly look like

my tools to keep me occupied

it does take times... it takes time for me to be comfortable living on my own... it takes time for me to be more confident and matured especially in dealing with problems... it takes time for me to fully understand what becoming an adult truely about... life in general is hard... but if I don't deal with it... I won't grow... I can't be someone that I want to be, which is... somebody that can relief the burden off my parents shoulders... somebody that can freely be herself without having to worry of others thought toward her... somebody that can give her trust, hope and love to others again...soon, I will change to be a better person... Slowly but Surely~

slowly changing

So this is the 2nd week I'm living in this house...and a full week for me being here alone... I just finish a full week of training... and slowly adapting to this new environment... the new system... the new life... this evening I had a 1:1 session with my counselor... after knowing that I'm living alone, she was shocked and asked whether I feel lonely cause some of her seniors did mentioned that they can't do their work well as they feel lonely and lack of human interactions somehow affects them... Well! I would be lying if I said that I am not lonely... there are times especially at night when I was watching tv then suddenly my tears start falling Tuk Tuk Tuk... without warning without reasons hahaha... there are also times where I had dreams that includes people that makes me wake up in tears and etc... but what can I really do? as mentioned in previous post I can't keep relying on my family members as I grow older... It is time for me to venture my own world, create my own path... find my own style, create my own brand... Of course I am scared, I am anxious, I am nervous... there are tons of things going on in my mind... in fact as I type this there are list of things that I feel like I need to do tomorrow...this thought makes me realize again and again how wonderful my parents are... I might not have such a high goals anymore but I think to be able to live like both of parents, sharing a bit of their traits are enough... however, my counselor also mentioned how brave I am for living alone for the first time... It is true.. in life there is no definite answer... some people may describe my choices as braveness, while some may also describe it as stupidity...but at the end what matters is how I define it..cause after all this is My Life~

chapter 1...is it?

I guess the new chapter is finally released!!.. FUHH first 3 days are packed with activities no joke... actually I only drove to work on the first day, stayed there for about 2 hours before we are instructed to go home and be prepared for virtual events.. so first thing first, the first time I drive alone in KL hahaha... and it was thrilling but gotta admit it is totally nerve racking... thank god I decided to go there earlier cause trust me I spent a damn long time finding a parking spot... and in fact I need to ask a guy where should I go... sorry newbie's spotted!!... anyway as soon as I step my foot at the main entrance WOW! there are a lot of people inside... I am no 87 in the list and there was a few pieces of papers below mine.. so yeah.. but later I found out that the list also include interns...so that explain the number of people crowding the lobby area.. after finish receiving the necessary items and listen to the guide on how to use them... we went home.. at home we continue with all the activities that has been scheduled in our calendars and that's it... as I said my first 3 days experience is filled with those virtual activities... and learning and recapping all the terms kinda hurt my head hahahaha...but as I said... there will be no turning back! NO!.. so let's stop talking about work cause today is weekend... let me enjoy this remaining time hahahah...

SO!!! last post I just mentioned that we came to KL and I look around my house.. but I didn't actually show my house... at first I don't think it is necessary to show how my house looks like.. but well I think I better put the pictures now so that I can compare how messy it will be in the future...hahah just kidding... Mama if you're reading this~ no worries the house will be sparkling as new when you come again next time... how my house looks like will be all because of my parents and my bro... thank you guys for supplying all the necessary equipment... repair everything that can be repaired... help to carry all the heavy items especially after the clearance at Akasia... and of course keeping my new home clean and liveable throughout your stay...love you guys... I'll work harder in the future to give back all the love that you guys have provided to me..

ke mana kita niii~??

kami dah sampaii

ni kawasan lobby

ni bak kata kak ifah...model tak berbayar

my green view

reality nya hahaha but seriously kalau takda construction ni sumpah bosan sebab senyap gila

mama and abah adore pokok bunga rumah jiran

living room area... and yes i am working

welcome to virtual world Arfa

ni depa dah nak balik..but saya dalam class T_T

hallway to living room

stop usha muka dulu di cermin beshar nii

oh yeah rumah I ada wifi... siapa nak datang tu jangan la risau tak da line..laju ja

reaching the end of the hallway

before that patah balik masuk bilik tidur... yeashhh bear saya ikutt!!!

tv tu bleh rotate so nampak la position tv tu lepas suma balik tak pusing dah dari menghadap katil

there is a door to somewhere ...hogwart?

dia seolah2 macam cross dua benua la hahah...room to kitchen through toilet..YUP!

ada double closet dalam ni

mini bath tub and shower and toilet

opposite tu tempat belek muka lawa lagi hehe

the mini bath tub is currently use as tempat amik wuduk and tempat basuh baju hahah

shower acah2 romantic gitu

toilet...yang penting water pressure spot on

and this is where the door lead to

my kitchen!!

new set of pots and pan hehe thank u ^_^

small kitchen padan la dengan tahap kerajinan nak memasak tu hahaha

hidden area ni ada bawang2 camtu ja

and now get out!! ahhahaha

pergh dah tunjuk suma sudut rumah... kalau tengok betul2 anyone bleh buat house plan dah ni... anyway! there is still one thing I want to talk about and it is about one of my regret... as mentioned dalam caption gambaq2 kat atas... they went back to Kedah during my class.. thus, I can't even say a proper goodbye to them and not just that... they left while I was still sitting at the living room... I didn't even lead them to the door... honestly right after they left I did cry... but I can't cry for long cause there are activities in group that require us to turn on our webcam and mic... so creating such a childish impression won't benefit me in building a career... plus Arfareena you are now 22 years old stop being such a baby!?.. but what can I do... this is after all my first time living alone... at Intec I might not have any roommate but I can still interact with my housemate... in fact I can easily walk outside to eat and etc... but now due to Covid we expect things will be back to normal in August... in the mean times I can only spend my time here alone... I think I can hear Along judging me saying " DUH! duduk KL tak pi mana?!"... I want to but deep inside I am scared hahaha.. I know my confidence level is improving but at a very slow pace... K let's stop here hahaha... enjoy the pic and wish me luck guys... <3

into the new world

wow today is my last day before I step my foot into my first workplace... came to KL accompanied by my parents and Alang last Saturday... first time driving for a long ride in "Sunrise" hehe and the first time I look around my new home... It is a cute place to live in... however, there are things that need to be added and the past 3 days have been filled with shopping spree... so I ended up swiping my dad's card again and again hahaha... funny that these days I kept on seeing this quote, "stop flexing with your parents money"... hmmm well I'm not flexing but I'm sorry that I have such a loving and supporting parents that allow me to do so... well why not people stop hating and be blindly jealous over others... not gonna deny there are times that I do feel jealous on other people's lifestyle... but as time past by I think... if that is how they are born and raise then who am I to judge... as long as they didn't bother my life than "why bother, why bother, why bother!!!"... heheh anyway I am nervous, but I do have that 'itzy' bitsy tiny bit of excitement... I don't know how it will be tomorrow... but as always there is always a first time in everything we do... so Arfareena just keep your head held high while keeping your mind humbly to your ground ..remember to be grateful and mindful of everything that has happened... take one step at a time...there maybe times you will stumble or hit the corner of the wall but just apply some pressure to stop the bleeding and never stop moving forward... this new journey, life series has just started... lets collect some interesting events to make this series as adventurous as the rest we had...Chau~

it's coming

spending the last few days at my home before I start the new phase of my life...entering the so-called 'adult world'.. there are still a lot of things to prepare... and I am not sure whether I am ready to face it but... time is ticking and there is no option to pause the time or turn it back to square one... ready or not I need to open the door and step out of my comfort zone and be where I am supposed to be... I've received email from EY explaining the procedure that need to be done on the first day of my work.. I need to register as a member of EPF and open up a new account for my salary... I also need to submit a health declaration form prior to my commencement date... apart from that, deposit for my house has been paid, well not in full but enough to secure the unit from others... regarding my transportation...hehe I've received the car few days ago...which means I'll be driving to KL on my own( or maybe with Alang)... mama doesn't quite agree to it at first... I understand her concern however she needs to realise that it is time for her to give her trust in me... so after convincing her we will begin our journey to KL this weekend...I still haven't pack any of my things yet... I don't even know where to start... there is a lot of stuffs going on in my mind but I try to push it aside and enjoy the remaining period I have with my family... I don't know how to express my feeling right now but I want to say thanks to both of my parents... my siblings... their friends that have been wishing me and blessing me with all of their prayers...I may lose some but I am grateful to still have these people around... been telling myself that I need to start acting like an adult every now and then... and honestly I am still not sure how to do so... hopefully everything goes well, I hope with all the pre-test on my patience and stress level it can help me to cope with the expected hectic working life...wishing myself the best of luck

hehehe hi awak~

baru lagi chiwi la lagii

ada ja yang mengendap hehe

kami serabai sebab gumbira

yeahh adik beradik serabai wow

oh lupa..malam tu kami ada event lagi sempena along and kak ifah balik... event kami tak da la surprising mana pun sebab rasanya dah dua post benda yang sama... YA BETUL!! BBQ!!!!...hahaha tapi kali ni extra sikit sebab kak ifah buat kek "Basque Burnt Cheesecake" hahaha... serious sedap bukan puji sebab kak sendiri...senang pak kami yang macam cerewet jugak bab makan ni puji jugak laa..hahah giteww... sebab dia tak manis sangat tapi mama kata maybe sedap sebab dia guna cheese mahai hahaha 

FIRE!!

burn baby burnnn

we want meat~!

mama acah salt bae

bon apetit

the "legendary" cake

abah potong sempena father's day...ada vid tapi...takpa la

so that's all I don't know when will be my next post but I hope I still have time in the future to keep this blog alive...aduhhh acah macam nak pi masuk hutan daaa...nak masuk bandaq kot deheck...hahaha anyway till my next post chau~